All in the Family

I live quite far from my family so when there are get togethers I try to see everyone while on the west side of town. This weekend was packed with two birthday parties one each day. That means loads of family time, dirt and gossip. As I drove over an hour to get home yesterday (like a bat out of hell mind you) I had time to think of the crazy shit my family does. Now don't get me wrong I love them all to death and would do anything for them. But I swear I was adopted or was switched at birth because they are all on the pot.(figuratively speaking)! Top 10 quirks about my family and believe me there is more, but to protect the innocent (until proven guilty) names are not used, and these may or may not be in any particular order.
10.) When one member throws a party the other should not decide to do another party the next day for tension between the two parties is so uncomfortable that not even a knife or macheti will cut through it.
9.) The baby is like crack, or something that they haven't had in awhile, my child was tossed around more than a salad at a busy resturant. She really is content playing on her blanket with her toys. Why is she cranky you ask? really it isn't the fact you are trying to smoother her, or perhaps you already know assuming tired or teething, yeha..
8.) Just pulling up to the house and trying to unload your car while members you haven't seen in awhile load your car with things they have picked up in the past months, like a plastic slide, a foldable picnic table, baby doll stroller, and unwanted stuffed toys. Thanks now where will the baby be sitting on the way home and no I will not tie the molded pool to the roof and drive it around for the next two days, I will have to get that from you later.
7.) If you are going to smoke do it while the children are not in the area and opening presents. The surgeon general has proved that smoking does cause cancer and children of a small age develop infections while exposed to second hand smoke, just because you are out side does not mean they are not in contact with your cigarette.
6.) I am not the interpreter for all agruments or differences between two parties, can't we all just get along? I don't want to hear about the snide remark you have about him/her and no I am not going to elborate or fuel your fire. We are family no one is out to get you.
5.) Trying to convince me to take my baby home for the night is out of the question for me right now I have a responsiblity to her, stop pressuring me or making me feel guilty.
4.) A baby under 12 months of age does not need to taste the frosting off your finger, or have a pretzal twist to chew on.....Thank you....RRRRRRR!
3.) No it is not funny to crumble up the wrapping paper and whip it at the head of the nearest cousin, it only encourages the adults of the family to do the same.
2.) The kiddie pool is for the small children not for the older kids to dive in while being tossed a football and leaning on the sides to let the water out.
1.) Grandma is the keeper of all prescription drugs and knows the pharmacist by name and takes 36 pills a day and complains that the doctor wants to put her on blood pressure medicine and is upset because she doesn't know why her stomach hurts so much.
This is just from the weekend, imagine if I lived within a 5 mile radius I would have to make damn sure there was a bar at the corner. We did have a good time it was just a lonnnnggggg two days. By the time I got home and unloaded the car, fed the baby dinner, gave her a bath, and sat down we fell asleep on the couch by 7:35pm. Which was the best part of the weekend appreciating that it was peace and quiet and being snuggled by my baby and her looking up at me to make sure it was still me holding her.