Monday Meandering #2

It is the beginning of summer or so says mother nature and her bad hair days (aka wicked humidity). With the dog days of summer come birthdays in my family, that only explains their need to procreate in the fall when the weather turns cooler, a bit of information I am sure you didn't need to know about my family but it makes the plot more interesting. I was the only one lucky enough to have a winter birthday on New Year's Day none the less, which totally sucks but I think I told you that before. So the birthday celebrations begin this month and to ruin the surprise for everyone I am giving gas cards as gifts, but only in increments of $10 cause that is all I can afford for all ten of you. Unless you want to roll the dice and I could give scratch off tickets with a winner clause I get half of all winnings even the lousy $1 winners. I am looking forward to seeing family again next weekend and the weekend after that and after that and by July 1 I will have just about enough of all of you until next year. Of course I am only exaggerating, could someone pass me a beer?
I am in a funk of sorts being around family and relationships. I find myself envious in a way because I wish I had a man in my life. Some days I just feel spent and want to just rest my head for 30 minutes and not have to worry if a little someone is shoving a lego up the dogs nose or her own. Or I can take a trip to the grocery store without taking a list that gets chewed up while I reach for the last can of beans only to find out that it wasn't beans I needed but beets. I used to love spending an afternoon outdoors cleaning up the yard, but I have tried that and with a toddler who is obsessed with small rocks the yard work is a simple pull of a few weeds and we are off to play on the swings.
I am more than happy with the role of being Mother it is what I was made to do, but in my mind I envisioned a partner to share the burden of an extra kleenex in their pocket when mine had been fully spent. Lately I have been angry in quiet times that I have alone when in those times I should be praising God. I am grateful that my child and I are healthy are basic needs are met, some days we even have enough for ice cream. Then the quiet sets in with my pessimistic thoughts of how come, what if, and why not me come flooding in. My patience is running thin and the lump in my throat swells to remind me of the position I sit in, and without feeling sorry for myself I think of the opportunity I have been given, and who will be lucky enough to share my life. The mix of emotions play tug of war in my head I battle the pity and humble all at the same time. I am not the only boat upon this ocean I just wish the sea wasn't so damn BIG!